I’m about to break my #1 blogging rule… Never blog when you are depressed.
Why? Well, because you’ll regret it later. You’ll say things you wish you could take back. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I guess I won’t know until I actually do it.
Now before you go and start to think I’ve lost my f-ing marbles and am on a quick trip to Looneyville, let me assure you, I have, and it’s true. I am losing it. And I honestly don’t know what to think or do at this point.
When we put an offer on our new house I was smitten. In love. Couldn’t wait to move. The floor plan is awesome, the yard is what sold me. Who cares that it’s in a different school district. And who cares that it’s pretty much in the country. And who cares that even though I only moved 20 minutes away, I may as well have moved 15 hours. Same difference. New house = new life. All of those things don’t matter, because THE HOUSE IS AWESOME AND I. MUST. HAVE. THAT. YARD.
We quickly got our house ready to sell, listed it, and had 4 offers within a week. The stars were lining up and obviously this was meant to be. Until we closed on the new house.
When we closed I made a post about the new house. I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to get in and get ‘er done. At least until that night when weird thoughts of doubt crept in. All of a sudden all those things that I didn’t care about, well, now they seemed like quite a big deal. “OMG we have to leave our neighborhood. OMG, my friends! OMG, the school district. OMG we are freaking moving into the country… What the hell have I done???”
And then the hysterics kicked in. For three days I pretty much cried non-stop. And not a pretty cry. It was a full-blown ugly cry that left me gasping for air. I cried to Ben for pretty much three solid days. I cried to my realtor that is selling the old house. I cried to my neighbor. I cried to my mom. I pretty much just could not stop crying.
I need to preface this by saying I am glad we are selling the old house. This is not about the old house. I wanted to sell it. I want a one-story. I want a smaller home. I want a smaller mortgage. If I could go back, I would still sell the old home.
At the same time, I was totally baffled by this strange reaction from me because for a solid month while we waited to close on the house I was SO EXCITED. And for a solid 4 months before that while we shopped for homes in this area of town exclusively I was SO EXCITED.
So why the 180 degree change as soon as the papers were signed?
Everyone keeps telling me this is normal. I’ll get over it. Give it time, I’ll love it.
By Sunday and Monday I was smitten again. I love this house. I love the floor plan. I love the yard! I can do this. I can totally live here.
Tuesday I wrote my Q&A post about the house and how much I love it. I never felt better about the home. I love this home so much I can totally make this school district work, and I can totally live in the country – it’s what I’ve always wanted! – and I can totally make new friends.
But now? Now I’m a mess again. Now I’m crying again. I spent the afternoon in bed doing the ugly-cry where I can’t catch my breath. When I picked up the kids from school (they will finish out the year at their old school) I ran into my neighbor and I started crying again.
This all started Wednesday afternoon for no apparent reason other than I started thinking about my life here long-term, and how I miss my friends, and my neighborhood, and how I have to change my grocery store, and how it takes me 20 minutes to get to Target, and how my kids are going to have to say goodbye to their friends at the end of the school year. And how I won’t be sitting out at my community pool all summer chatting with all my friends while the kids all swim together. And how I freaking live in the country now. What the hell have I done?
When I think about the house, I am happy and I love it so much and I never want to move.
But when I think about my life here, in this little community, out in the country… I can’t stop crying. Maybe this isn’t what I wanted after all.
My emotions are playing ping-pong with me. Ben and I have talked about this ad nauseum and are pretty much living day-by-day trying to figure out what to do. I’ve pretty much decided I will live here through the summer on a trial basis hoping I fall in love with the area in the process. Ben is okay with that, but I know it is killing him because he finally has his “dream house and yard” and this is what WE wanted, but now all I can do is cry non-stop. He’s willing to sell and move back to our old neighborhood after a “trial run” but I know the thought makes him want to cry hysterically, so I just hate to rip this dream of ours away from him. It seems so unfair and selfish of me to even ask this of him.
(As for the kids, they will be happier than a clam either way. They are excited to go to the new school, but when presented with the idea of staying at the old school they are equally excited. They are very easy going.)
Maybe I’ll learn to love it. Maybe I won’t. I have no idea how this will go. All I know right now is that I love the house, but the thought of living here long-term makes me nauseous. Which I guess isn’t totally bad at this point because apparently I’ve dropped 7 lbs from all this stress and worrying and crying. Let me live here at least until I’ve dropped, say 30 lbs?, and then we can talk about moving back home.
But seriously, WTF is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? Why did I think I wanted this, and now I apparently want to throw up even thinking about it? And how come for four solid days I was happier than a clam, but now I’m back to crying again? (And for the record, NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT thankyouverymuch.)
I have so many more points I want to address but this is already so long. I guess I’ll just quickly bullet-point the rest of my thoughts:
– I feel like I need to decide where I want to settle for the next 10 years RIGHT NOW because my son is starting middle school and I hate the thought of changing my mind in 2 or 3 years and making him move just as he’s entering high school.
– I’m glad I sold the old home. I love it, I turned it into our home, but I really am ready to move on from it. This freak-out is not about the old home. It’s just about where we should have bought our new home.
– Our plan for a year, maybe longer, was to buy a home in the same neighborhood that met our new requirements; one story, smaller, cheaper. This way the kids would stay at the same school and we’d all keep our same friends and just the overall familiarity of the neighborhood and community (ie shopping, etc).
– Once we qualified for a mortgage all of a sudden we were like, “Well, if we’re going to move, why not follow our life-long dream of living on some land?” It snowballed from there. In hindsight, it kind of seems like it was a runaway train.
– I feel like we detoured from the original plan on staying in our neighborhood and I traded all of that with not much thought so that we could “live our dream” of having land. I thought that’s what I wanted since we have talked about it for our entire marriage.
– I’ve decided that those “someday” dreams you have, when presented the opportunity to make them come true, are much different in reality than in your dreams “some day in the future”. It’s one thing to dream it, another entirely to actually do it.
– We would absolutely lose money if we sold the new house within the next 6 months or so (because of the 6% realtor fees), but we could recover fairly quickly. If we did this, I guess we could call it our “stupid tax” as Dave Ramsey affectionately calls stupid things you do and choices you make that cost you money.
– If I get totally hyper-focused on moving back to the old neighborhood and we sell this “dream house” of ours, will I look back and regret it? Will I look back and wish I had just sucked it up and toughed it out?
– Is my intuition telling me that I shouldn’t have moved and I need to undo this mess I’ve created, or am I just scared?
– If this is my dream house, and I couldn’t wait to move here, why can I not stop crying?!
I think I’ve about covered it. I’m not looking or “fishing” for comments, I just needed to brain-dump all this out in an effort to hopefully help me feel better about all of this. And like I said in the beginning, I am depressed right now, so maybe this isn’t really the best time to be posting all of this. It is what it is. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up again and love it here. Tomorrow is a new day.
***Here is the follow-up to this freak-out post. Spoiler: It does get better and I do end up very happy. xo