We all have skeletons. This is mine.
This post is the reason for THIS POST.
Depression.
I’ve struggled with the big ugly D word for all of my adult life. I never talk about it. I never tell anyone. I don’t even think my Inlaws or any extended family know. {They do now!}
After I had Travis 9.5 years ago I was overwhelmed with Postpartum Depression. I took antidepressants for about a year, and then was able to pull myself together and get off the antidepressants.
Two and a half years later Kinsey was born. Same drill. Postpartum Depression and antidepressants.
But this time, after a year, I got too depressed when I stopped the antidepressants. So I went back on them.
And that has been my life since. Every few years I’ll start feeling well enough to stop the drugs, then ::BAM:: I’m in bed with no energy to move or get up.
I don’t get suicidal-depressed. It’s never that bad. But I just get in a funk. I’m either mean and onry, or I’m just really really sad. For no reason. At all.
I’ve tried dozens of different antidepressants, but I always go right back to the same one. And the weird thing is, I have to take it a specific way, or it just doesn’t work as well. It has to be the generic from of the drug {weird, I know} and I have to take two 150mg pills in the morning, not one 300mg pill. If I migrate away from this dosage, I’m a wreck on the couch with the ice cream watching reruns of Friends episodes all day every day.
I am pretty indifferent about having to take antidepressants. Some people will do anything to not take them. Some people try their whole lives to get off of them. Me? I’d rather just take two little light blue pills each morning and have a great happy day.
I’ve accepted the depression, that I will probably always struggle with it. I haven’t rolled over and let it win, but I’ve just accepted it. And a little pill in the morning is far easier than fighting off the sadness with energy drinks and Diet Dr Pepper.
I guess it was easier for me to accept this life sentence because of my family history. It’s plagued with depression and Bipolar (I’m not Bipolar, btw Thank God). And from what I know about depression, it tends to be more prominent in families that already have it, so I’d accepted the fact that I may have it before I ever even had the first sign.
So, ya. I have depression. And I take medication for it, and will probably continue to take medication for it the rest of my life.
And even on medication, some days are still bad. Some days I wake up fine, and then all it takes is something that makes me doubt myself and I’m sulking the rest of the day. So it is today. Today I am sad. Today I’m sitting on the couch sulking. Not crying, just not wanting to get up and do anything.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe this afternoon will even be better, but today, right now, it’s here. And at least I’m typing on the computer instead of drowning my sorrows with bag of chips or a bowl of ice cream.
Have House of Hepworths delivered to your inbox every morning!
Sometimes I participate in these parties: The DIY Showoff, Skip To My Lou, Thrifty Decor Chick, C.R.A.F.T., Tip Junkie, Today's Creative Blog, Blue Cricket Design, Home Stories A to Z, Someday Crafts, House of Hepworths, Fingerprints on the Fridge, Miss Mustard Seed, One Project Closer, Under The Table and Dreaming, Positively Splendid
I {heart} your comments!
Join in on the fun discussion by adding your opinion...
129 Comments
Leave your comment
I {big fat LOVE} your comments! I read all.of.them. (It's true.)
I appreciate all the lovin' you dish out. It makes my day.
THANKS for reading!
* subscribe to House of Hepworths
* join my facebook fan page
* follow me on twitter
Welcome to House of Hepworths! HoH is primarily a Home Blog that specializes in DIY projects and renovations, crafts, and decorating. My name is Allison. My family and I live in Austin, Texas. I'm married to Ben and have two children, a 10 year old son and an almost-8 year old daughter. To find out more or to contact me click 
I am right there with ya girl. Lucky for us they have meds that work most of the time. Wish you were my neighbor so we could de-funk each other on our good days… Hang in there, you know it will pass.
Understand. I too have depression. It started big time after the adoption of my 3rd child. Within 9 months of coming home he had PE tubes, cleft palate repair, ABR (to make sure he wasn’t deaf), started early intervention, diagnosed with autism, evaluated for and started special ed preschool. Still on them today. I have to take my at bed time.
I totally know what you’re going through! I went on anti depressants a year ago and at first I was ashamed and worried about it, now that I see the difference I’m okay with it. I’m more level headed and calm…not my bipolar self. Some of us just don’t have enough seratonin (is that the right chemical word??) in the brain…there is nothing wrong with you or nothing wrong needing some meds to make you balanced. The people who are negative or make you feel bad about it are uneducated about it! You’re not alone and it’s good to know these days are few and far between!
You are not alone.
I have family and friends with depression. Some need meds, some don’t. I know it can be a continual battle. You are in my prayers.
Ivy
I feel your pain. I have it too, and some days its like another person who lives with us. Sometimes I’m great, and sometimes I don’t want to get up. You’re not alone and I think you’re very brave to talk about it. So many people don’t. Wishing you all the best and to a better day tomorrow.
Thanks for sharing. I love your blog…you crack me up. I suffer from anxiety and some days I just want to stay in bed all day. I am glad you have found meds that work for you, there is nothing wrong with that.
You’re not alone Allison!
I too am having one of those days. It’s a gorgeous sunny day, I just had an offer to take one of the girls for a few hours after school… and I just want to sit, and do nothing.
At least you’re able to blog about it!
Hang in there! Depression is not fun or easy to deal with. I watch my husband suffer and everyday is a struggle! Tomorrow is a new day!
Allison, there are lots of women that suffer with depression. I know I have been 115 pds I have been 220 pds, all because of depression. I know the effects it has on you or shall I say I think I can relate to you. I no longer take meds. I either felt sick, or sleepy. My depression seems to come and go, but I have learned coping skills to help me better. I try to think positive about things. I have a totally different outlook now I try really hard to think positive, even when I am thinking negative. I feel down on myself, sad I can’t fit into a pair of jeans or that my cake was dry, but then I try to think o’well those jeans will just have to go :0 there ugly anyways.. lol… or my cake is dry but will be good with some milk. I know silly huh… but I have to think that way. I have to say though you are a great person I read your blog frequently and LOVE it, you have humor, brains, beauty in you and all u make and do, and a crafty hand if I do say so myself. I see so much positive in you! Depression may get the better of you on some days, but it will not DEFEAT you…:)
Thank you for sharing. I know it can be so hard to be up front about it. I started my struggle with depression much like you…after the birth of our first child with severe postpartum. I have been on my meds since. I’m at the point where if it takes a pill to help me be functional and emotionally available for my family, that is more important than the alternative. I try to be open about it now because I remember feeling so alienated and wondering if anyone else was like this too. So…thank you.
It`s seams like you wrote about my life, but you know I consider myself as a lucky person to feel the diference now and see life differently (I hope my english writing is understandable…)
Pascale
I ‘assume’ I have depression… I haven’t been to the dr for the proper diagnosis… I find those down days to be a blessing to me, I connect with my children more on those days than I do when I am cleaning and crafting and well anything else
Just having no energy to do chores gets us all piled on the couch to read or watch movies together. Sometimes it’s several days at a time sometimes it’s just a few hours. I guess because I don’t have the healthcare I have learned how to make due with depression. It also helps that I gave up on being perfect a long time ago and just live 
Oh honey. I am sorry that you are struggling with this. You have an amazing attitude and outlook on it though. Know that you are not alone! Love and hugs being sent your way.
<3,
Adri
http://www.dreambookdesign.com
Been There, Done That. Didn’t get the t-shirt, but I could make one if I ever wanted to. I did the anti-depressants, too, and there’s pretty much 3 years of my life that are a blur to me. When I finally felt well enough to get off of them, I had about 5 really good years without meds. Then a couple of moves later, some other life events and I realized I wasn’t cured. I manage my depression now with Vitamin-D and 5-HTP. Once I get my foot fixed (surgery tomorrow!) I’ll go back to exercising which is as effective for me as Prozac ever was.
It’s important to learn the signs, understand your body and get plenty of rest. (Fatigue is a major depression trigger). Remember that any voice that tells you that you are not beautiful, talented, smart, funny or fabulous is the Depression talking. Don’t believe it and remember what Scarlett said, “Tomorrow is another day!”
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Allison, it was so brave of you to share this post! I too have friends who suffer from depression. It’s a constant struggle and they are on again off again with the drugs. I’m glad you know what works for you. I’m sorry today is one of those sad days…just remember…this too shall pass. I so enjoy your blog! Thanks for sharing your skeletons with us!
You are NOT ALONE in this struggle. As you can see by the comments, plenty of us struggle too. There is no shame in taking meds – you have a chemical imbalance. Would a diabetic not take the meds they need to stay healthy?
Hang in there girl! You are an amazing lady – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
{{Big Old Bloggy Hug}} ~Nadine In Nevada
Awww, friend!
I so know this, personally. Postpartum rocks me to the core. I had our FOURTH kiddo (FOURTH!!!! PPD x4!) 8 months ago and I’m still weaning off my antidepressants. I used to get so ashamed, but after my 3rd child and trying to deal with it myself (unsuccessfully), I said I’d never go through a delivery and not treat it AGAIN. It’s miserable!
Thanks for sharing, I’m sure many out there CAN relate!
Well Allison, you make my day every time I read your blog. To me you are the funniest, honest and down to earth person ever, and that just makes my life a little better by you just being you. (the video you did about your pants ripping still to this day is my favorite) I think all woman have depression, some more than others like yourself, hormones probably play a large part in it, not that I am some expert. But I notice my moods are swinging more towards depression or just down and no energy as I get older. Just remember, you may not be able to cheer yourself up, but you sure do cheer us up even if it is on one of your bad days. Hugs, Stephanie
You have a great support system here…I’ve suffered from depression my whole adult life (actually my teens) but didn’t go see my first Dr. until I was in my early 20′s…It’s good you found meds…I’ve had so many different kinds (I’m terrible with side effects) and like you when I think I’m good I feel I don’t need them…hahahah…WRONG!!! Atleast I can be lazy with my laptop on my lap and laugh & cry with you
…
I could go on and on…Since I started blogging it actually gives me something to look forward to everyday…I enjoy it so much…See there is more to the name of my blog “My CRAZY Beautiful Life”…LOL
Add me to the Zoloft and Xanax love. I have the ‘black dog of depression’ compounded with SADD. So what has been working for me is bumping the Zoloft up between November and March, bumping the dose down during the spring and summer, and taking the Xanax when I travel. I feel like I can function normally: I pray the same for you! Hang in there, and thank you for sharing with us!
I am a follower of you blog, but I am posting this anonymosly (sp?) for my dad. He has depression and tries to hide it from most people. I am so glad to see that you are fine with it. As a family member of someone that suffers from depression I understand how hard it is. I have found myself in quite the funk from time to time and it’s very hard to talk about!! My hat goes off to you for being brave enough to talk about it in such a public way because it is nothing to be ashamed of!!! I hope you have a good day and I hope that your days are easier for you!!!
Hi! I subscribed to your blog awhile ago on Google Reader, and I have to say that I have enjoyed every post! I live your projects and the way you blog about them! You’re great!
About the depression, it totally runs in my family too. As soon as the postpartum started kicking in after having my first baby, I was kind of in denial about it and I new I needed to do something before I was living like the rest of my family. I didn’t want to take anti-depressants. I’m a sensitive person and a lot of things had an effect on me, so I tried to brush them off as much as I could! I tried to stay positive and get out of the house, even if it was a quick walk around Target. I made sure to EAT WELL, because when you’re down, it’s easy to eat cookies all day(I’ve done it and felt wayyy worse than I had ever felt). Getting the right nutrition and exercise can make a huge difference! If I wake up now and if I can feel like it’s going to be one of “those” days, I take a Vitamin B-complex, and make sure I get out of the house, even if I don’t feel like it. During the day, I’ve completely forgotten that I felt even remotely bad in the morning. I know I’m not an expert, but I know how I have felt and how I feel now! It’s your body and mind! Take control of it, and don’t let the depression take control of what you want to do!
A very well written post about a very difficult to talk about subject. Bravo to you for being so brave! A lot of people can relate to this post, as you can tell from all your comment love. I hope you are feeling better after writing this!
I do not struggle with depression now, but as a teenager I was suicidal and hospitalized for many months. I don’t really talk about it much, and, just like you, I don’t think my in laws even know. When I think back though, it makes me cry to think that I might not be here now had I not gotten help. I am so grateful to all of my wonderful therapists, the hospital staff, and everyone who lifted me up when I could not do so for myself. The best thing to ever happen to me, really, because I learned so much from it.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. And there is hope for depression, anxiety, panic attacks and chronic pain sufferers.
The world is a beautiful place and we must try to remember to give thanks for one small thing everyday. Every day, every struggle is really just a blessing. The journey is worth all of the pain.
Well, since I had a life shattering moment about three years ago, I have struggled with that same sense ennui. I don’t want to get up a lot of mornings. Today is also one of those ‘I don’t want to get off the couch’ days. I know I should count my blessings but, I don’t have it in me. I’ve never taken medication but, I’m seriously starting to think that I should at least try something like St. John’s wort (herbal). I don’t think menopause helped this mess and frankly, I’m tired of it. So, I can truly relate.
Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for posting this. Hope tomorrow is a brighter day (for both of us!).
thank you for sharing. God’s mercies are new each morning ~ hope tomorrow brings you some sunshine
OH my!! This post has me thinking…maybe I’m depressed!! And maybe I should seek help….I keep thinking I have NO energy cause of my diet or my weight gain or my son is just draining me…
I look really cool online…ie my blog or facebook page…people always comment how creative I am and how do I do so much…but truth is I go weeks without leaving the house and most days don’t get dress or shower….
Hmmm..Thanks!
Girl! I knew you were my kind of gal from the start. I have the sane story. The bid D didn’t come until after my 3rd baby and I thought it was more due to his scary entrance into our world. I finally got meds and my dr told me that some people just have a pre-disposition to it and when that little switch flips they may only have it a little while or if could trigger a lifelong battle. My first go around was short term, I got perjured again, and again, and now that my baby is 1 it is starting to rear it’s ugly face again. It totally sucks to feel so out of control. Go get em girl! Like you said… Tomorrow is another day!!
Thanks for being brave enough to share that! I really hope even just getting it out there made you feel a little better. I myself struggle with anxiety and a teensy bit of depression now and again, and I am TERRIFIED of what will happen after I have my baby in a few weeks. I just hope I can be strong enough to admit I need help and be motivated to seek it if I need to. Keep your chin up!
Thanks for sharing your story. I too struggle, I am not at a point where I need meds (but have used them in the past). I have been hit hard by Depression in the last few weeks. My shoe of choice was The secret Life of the American Teenager- I watched 5 seasons in about a week- I hope tomorrow brings a better day-
((hugs))
As you can tell from your many loyal followers, you are definitely not alone. Just two weeks ago I started therapy for my depression. I’ve struggled with it since I was a teenager, it subsided for awhile after my divorce a few years ago, and now it’s back with a vengeance. I’ve never talked to a doctor about it, but my son was in therapy for his ADHD and I broke down to his counselor about it because I thought he could refer me to someone. I had already told him about my relationship with my son’s father….so he knew part of it…..and he offered to talk with me and help me figure it out. Stress is a major contributor and I’ve been pretty stressed the past few months. It’s amazing that my kids haven’t tried to have me committed already.
I love that you were brave enough to post about something so personal. Thank you! You are a wonderful, smart, creative, funny person and I’m glad that you share your talents and thoughts with us here in the blogging world. I hope that everyone’s kind words here and sharing their similar stories will help you feel better today. ♥♥
Girlfriend, my post yesterday was almost like this. I’m sulking, bored, irritated, sad, mad and everything in between.
Sometimes, life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes it sucks, and that’s okay.. It’s life.
Lot’s o’ therapy for this girl. Lot’s o’ happy pills. Been there done that, if ya wanna chat it up, we can!
xo
I get up and take my ‘happy pill’ every morning. I even have to take extra during the dark months of the year. That’s why I like to begin the new year in the spring when everything is coming back to life…..including me. I will be eternally grateful to a wonderful mother-in-law who recognized the signs years ago and got me the help I needed. Hang in there! It looks like you have oodles of support.
p.s. get out and get some fresh air and sunshine if it’s possible.
I’m there with you, too. I just came out on my blog about a month ago about my anxiety and depression. So many people had no earthly idea… which seemed really, really sad to me. It feels a lot more authentic to have it out in the open. YAY for coming out! (((virtual hugs from an understanding stranger)))
I’m in the same boat. I call it my Vitamin P…my hubs affectionately calls them my “crazy pills” and he always checks to make sure I’m not close to running out, bless his heart. Hugs to you..I know how you feel! JenT
I love that you shared this! I am building up the courage to share something of my own and reading this is such an encouragement to me! You are awesome!
Thank you SO MUCH for talking about this!! I have suffered from depression since the birth of my first child (she’s 15) and have been on medication. I tried to go off the medicine when I wanted to get pregnant again but I didn’t last a week off of it. I’ve been on it ever since and never miss a doss. I’ve comes to terms with it too. I know it’s something I’ll have to manage for the rest of my life. Not many people know about my depression. My immediate family and a few close friends. My in-laws don’t know. I think they will judge me if they knew. I’ve thought about blogging about it but always chicken out (my MIL reads my blog). Hooray for you to bring up a subject that so many people shy away from. I’m not crazy or psycho nor can I just “snap out of it” and “be happy”. I wish it was that simple but it’s not.
I’ve been kinda down for the last week and haven’t really blogged about anything. I made a lame excuse today for not blogging – saying I was busy with other stuff – but the truth is that I’m depressed and don’t feel like doing anything.
I hope you feel better soon! I know what you’re feeling so remember that you’re not alone!
Lori : )
Thrifty Decor Mom
Wish I could give you a hug and join you on the couch.
So sorry you struggle through this. You are so brave and hope that all the loving comments will be able to lift you up!
Sending lots of LOVE your way!
[/raising her hand] Another who is right there with ya. Same scene – started with the childbearing and I can’t seem to stop it. I feel ok, go off, am ok for a bit, then it comes back punching me in the gut and all I do all day is lay on the couch in my sweats. I’ve embraced my meds. They’re a good thing. They make me a mom who doesn’t snap at her kids for looking at her wrong. They allow me to get up and git r dun. And that’s a good thing.
You are beautiful! You have a beautiful family. And you have so many people who don’t even know you personally who care so much about you and what you have to say.
I don’t have depression, but there is a history of hormonal imbalance for women in my family. There are days that I am not myself and I CANNOT explain why. Hang in there!! Hugs from Illinois.
me too. all of this. me too.
thank you for posting. (& btw, I’m your friend all OVER this mofo.)
Hugs!
I’m glad you found medication and a dosage that works for you. That is a huge step.
I also hope you have “rainy day” resources, ie LOL Cats in your favorites, colorful puzzles, ect. It may not lift the fog but hopefully it can make it that much lighter.
Take care of yourself!
@Adrien – Same in my family. Do you get the migraines too? Without the birth control I can be bedridden for three days because of the hormonal imbalance.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Depression, bi-polar, and OCD run in my family too. I have been on mess since 18, and have been dx with OCD and depression. I too, wish some days that I could get off the meds, but without them, I’m a hot mess. Add menopause, and it’s worse. You can email me if ya want. I never post comments, just read!
love your writing style and blog. Hang in there. Cherry Garcia does the trick, IMHO.
This is a brave post. I’m a pharmacist so I see/hear your story all of the time. I’m glad you found what works for you…some people can’t find that!
Well done for writing this post, very honest of you! Depression is such a common illness but we all seem to shy away from it, almost like its a dirty secret, which it isn’t! It’s been 2 years of PND and PTSD for me, I’ve had so many different types of meds but finally am on a combination that work and am starting to see the positives again! I actually think bloging has helped to, been good to have something to focus on. Anyhoo, I don’t want to waffle on, but well done for talking about it x
You are definitely not alone. Depression is all around, but most people seem to be afraid to talk about it. I deal with it myself and have been since the birth of my son over 4 years ago. My little pill helps me to sleep better, actually have emotions (that aren’t sadness & crying) and function.
Allison, you are so brave to write about this. Depression can make you feel like a freak and so totally alone. I have been on meds for going on 11 years now for depression. I have learned how much med I need and how to take it to make it work the best for me. We women have to be the ones in charge of our health and listen to our bodies to do what is best for us. I also think that creative minds are more prone to depression, weird, right? Love reading your blog.
Thank you Allison. I also suffer from depression. Mine started as a child. By the time I was a teenager I was manic/bipolar depressive. I have taken medicine on and off since being a teen. I currently take medicine and have no plans to get off of it. I have thought about blogging about it, but I just couldn’t find the right words. Maybe now I will!